Nessy the Long-neck Stapler

Today I needed a stapler.

Not just any household stapler; I needed one with an exceptionally long neck so that I could staple a CD booklet precisely without having to bend the pages. After having spent $22 on printing, I wanted my book to look legit.

I started at Cougar Creations. Why they don't have one of these very necessary binding devices escapes me. Then I tried the library where rumor had it that long-neck staplers exist. They don't. Next was the HFAC. I tried the graphic arts print lab, the photo lab, the visual arts lab. Nothing.

Then I spotted the crafty Jared Cardon on the fourth floor. Jared gets around. I asked him if he knew where I could find one of these devices. He thought back to his days working in the Harmon Building and proceeded to explain how a heavy-duty stapler lived in the most northern part of the second floor in the middle aisle of the cubicle section. At this point I really should have given up my hunt, but my perfectionistic, idealistic, illogical self was determined as ever to find the dang stapler.

I hiked up to the Harmon and started snooping sneakily around the cubicles for my prize. Then I discovered I was actually on the first floor. Duh. Once on the second floor I enlisted the help of the girl at the desk. She, of course, knew nothing but was happy to follow me as I followed Jared's directions through the cubicle maze.

So then Jared was wrong. There was no long-neck stapler. Luckily though a nice lady overheard our conversation and sent me up another floor to the associate dean's office. I was so totally excited that this women actually knew what I wanted that when I got to the dean's office I fully expected him to just hand over the stapler. No. I had to spend the next few minutes convincing the man pull the rarely-used device out from storage. He came back five minutes later with a big box. It turns out that my stapler didn't have a neck at all. Instead it was a huge ol' suspended, electronic, pedal-controlled thing-a-majigger. I'd never seen anything like it.

So tonight I turned my CD package in to Brent Barson. He mentioned something about liking it, which is rare for him. I was feeling very good about myself. After explaining to him about today's hunting adventure he started looking at me funny. "Why didn't you just use the stapler in OUR print lab?" he asked.

And that's when I started crying.